So, in the time since my last post (which has been quite a while) we've experience the "darker" side of life. The side no one wants to talk about and it doesn't look very pretty. I've really been struggling with it all and decided this would be a good place to talk about it, (I'm not sure who reads my blog anyway).
On the 13th of July I had the follow-up ultrasound I talked about in the last post. As soon as it started I knew something was wrong, I didn't see the normal movement. I laid on the bed for what seemed like an eternity, silently pleading with God, that I wanted this baby so much and I couldn't understand, please fix it. Then the tech left to get the Dr. He still hadn't said anything was wrong, because he can't ...
This is when the story gets worse, Gerad didn't know what was going on, after the tech left I remember saying to him coldly, "I don't think the baby is alive." Everything else is a blur, the doctor came in and told us that we'd miscarried and gave us two options, to go through labor or have a D&C. We left the doctors office and went to the dikes, I didn't know how I was going to face my children.
Once home, Gerad was my rock. He called everyone who needed to know and told them all and I just "lived" if you can call it that. The next day I went to the doctor for pre-op and then I had surgery on Thursday morning.
It's been over a month now, and now more than anything I wish people would ask how things are (and want a real answer, not the rehearsed one I give people), see my life has not continued, I haven't forgotten and just moved on. It's not something I can just "overcome with my faith." It's part of my life that I will contiue to live. God can help me heal and ease the pain, but I don't want it to go away, I don't want to forget my precious baby.
Now, I have no doubt God has His hand on me and has been shielding me from what could have been and the phyical pain I could have had. It says in Jeremiah 1:9 (paraphrasing) that God knows the plans he has for you, plans to prosper you and give you a hope. I don't feel that way all the time, but what I've come to realize is I will prosper through this and out of this ...
I've learned that miscarriage is something not talked about, at least not loudly. People don't know what to say, and those who have experienced it don't discuss it a lot because it brings up all the pain and memories for them. This is probably the most frustrating thing I've experienced. I feel so alone, yet so many women know how I feel and don't want to talk about it.
I now have two children with me and one who ran up ahead of us ... for that I am learning to be grateful.